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Go slow and use lots of lube. Any time you want to introduce something new into your sex life, we advise dipping your toe into the water before jumping right in (and no diving in the shallow end, okay?) If you’ve never gifted a sex toy to your lover before, why not start with lube? If you’ve never tried with your partner, maybe start with a blindfold.
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Explore your own sexuality, first. It can be difficult to communicate where you want to go if you don’t feel so familiar with the terrain yourself. It can be challenging to suss out our own desires with all of the sexual and emotional expectations the world puts upon us. Any self-help book worth its salt has some content on self-reflection and self-exploration, and in this regard, we’re no different.
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Communicate. If you’re partnered, find ways to really communicate with your partner. Start slow - especially if communicating about sex is new in your relationship or you feel like the idea you want to introduce or discuss is particularly loaded.
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Learn to listen. You may think you’re paying attention, but if you’re not engaging active listening, you may only be hearing what you want to hear. You can start by saying back what you just heard (but in your own words) and give the speaker time to tell you “that’s not actually what I was saying”. Empathize with your partner and pay attention to where they’re at. If you’re looking to introduce something new into your relationship, check in first. At our co-op, we check in before meetings and conversations of all sorts. It only takes a moment, but communication is so much more effective when everyone knows where everyone else’s head is at.
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Do unto others. This means be as open to other people’s sexualities as you would like them to be toward yours. We think this is both excellent life advice and great sex advice.
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Be demanding. You deserve pleasure. Go out and get it. Remember to be kind and diplomatic, but don’t compromise on your needs, your boundaries, and your pleasure.
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Vary your routine. If you’re always switching things up you’re much less likely to get bored with your routine and desensitized to stimulation - and you’re more likely to naturally incorporate new things into your sexual repertoire.
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Take something off the table. Some couples might explore sex outside of penetration for a couple of weeks to see what other kinds of sex might spontaneously happen, and then reincorporate all of these new ways of relating into their day-to-day sex life. Similarly, sex can be so fun and interesting when we let go of orgasm as a goal. Or why not try pleasuring other parts of each other’s bodies, or pleasuring the same parts but with different parts of your own?
- Use more lube! Reduce friction in your relationship with yourself and others. Condoms are better with lube, vibrators are better with lube, butt plugs are infinitely better with lube, and even your boyfriend or girlfriend is better with lube. Even if you ignore everything else on this list, please listen to us about the lube!